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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I flunked anger management class.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.