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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.