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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.