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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.