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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.