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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360