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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.