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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole