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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.