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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?