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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.