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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.