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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.