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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
The future was so much cooler in the past.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.