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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.