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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(