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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.