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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...