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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?