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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)