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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Iām going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Go ahead caller 9!!
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
Iām glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.