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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.