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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.