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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!