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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime