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I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.