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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.