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Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.