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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Haters are my motivators(:
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.