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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.