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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Girls just wanna have funds.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Does running out of money count as exercise?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.