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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.