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Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.