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“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"