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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY