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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I hate it when Iām singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll