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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
I liked you better before we met.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.