Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.