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DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".