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More food should come with prizes inside it.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.