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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Been there, done that. allegedly
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.