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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.