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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids