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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.