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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.