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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I don`t care about your status...
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
A leaf blower, but for people.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.