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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Iām probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying