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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
You had me at 0 mutual friends