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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.