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How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.