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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?