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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Keep calm and drink on.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.