Daily Silly Status

I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.

Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.

I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"

My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.

Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.

Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.

I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA

It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.