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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.