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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"