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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Marriage is for quitters
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"