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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.