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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D