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How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.