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I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.