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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape