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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.