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Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.