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"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!