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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha Iām so sorry. No Iām not.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.