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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.