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It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.