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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.