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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?