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People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.