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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.