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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Hash browns not tags.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.