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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"