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I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.