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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"