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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
If Iām not eating Iām most likely not happy.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.