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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?