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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.