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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.