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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.