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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..