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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."