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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
If you figure me out I want an explanation.
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"