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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.