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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My cardio is shopping.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.