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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."